It was a dark and dreary morning, only four years ago, when I was
‘pup. I can still remember that fateful February 2 as if it were only
yesterday. Before that day I had never actually pondered as to how odd it
all is-hrrm (the sound of a throat being cleared) ah yes, I could go on all
day and bore you with the meaningless ramblings of someone you have long
called a HOG of ALL THINGS!
I’m sorry, it was dreadfully rude of me to not have introduced myself.
First though, I suppose I shall have to describe myself. I am a furry lad,
with dark appealing eyes, frivolous lashes (which I use to my advantage), and
a dark nose, which is often wet at times. If you haven’t guessed by now
(knowing non-furry mammals) I am what you call a groundhog.
My name, is NOT Phil! The name is Larry, Bob Larry. This, you see, is
part of why you non-furry mammals puzzle me. You fail to realize that your
superior attitude toward all other creatures does not make you look
intimidating, but makes you look extremely foolish. You cannot look at one
creature and name its entire species the same name. Why, hypothetically of
course, what if some giant creatures came upon you non-furry mammals and
called you all John, you wouldn’t like THAT now would you. What if, next, THE
GIANTS DECLARED A DAY IN "YOUR HONOR" AND BASED THEIR SEASONS ON WEATHER
CONDITIONS! OF ALL THINGS! WHY NOT, THEY MIGHT SAY, ADD A "CUTE, FURRY
ANIMAL" IN. THEN, THEY TORTURE AND PARALYSE THESE "CUTE FURRY ANIMALS" FOR
LIFE! HUMPH, PIFFLE!
h-the hypothetical-cough cough.
You, non-furry mammal are probably wondering just WHAT could be so
horrible about "Groundhog’s day" to have me going on about it for such a long
time. Here we get to my first "Groundhog’s day" out of the hole.
We were a large family of ‘pups, and our mum and dad treated us well. My
mum always taught us never to trust non-furry mammals. Rather, to fear them.
It was of course February 2, when I awoke to sounds of terror as my brothers
and sisters backed up against the wall shivering in fear. I was as I said
before, awake but in that dreamlike state (the point where your eyes are
open, but every other part of you is sleepy and sometimes a bit confused).
It was then that it happened! I was grabbed by a giant non-furry mammal’s
hand and lifted up and out of my warm comfortable hole.
When what had happened to me had sunk in, I screamed at the non-furry
mammal, "LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" The non-furry mammal just laughed and the
ignorant fool actually said, "Look, it’s squeaking, how cute." Next, the
non-furry mammal lifted me up and said, "Let’s see if winter is longer this
year," and then in a booming voice, "CAN THE GROUNDHOG SEE ITS SHADOW?! " I,
odd as this sounds (mind you I was still a young ‘pup) forgot my troubles for
a moment and looked down to see if I could see my shadow. No, no…YES! Then
I saw it, a reflection not as beautiful as what it was reflecting. Just then
the non-furry mammal yelled, "NO SHADOW!" I was outraged; it was obvious
that the non-furry mammal had seen my shadow. "You cheat!" I yelled, "You
slimeball!" You numbskull!" The non-furry mammal only laughed again and
said for the second time, "How cute it’s squeaking."
Now, you probably understand why the very mention of "Groundhog’s day"
makes me angry, GRRRRRRR… You can probably also see why my attitude towards
non-furry mammals is not exactly hrrm (clearing of throat), friendly. Last
of all, why I certainly do not enjoy being called Phil, or a "hog."
Next time you see (what you call) a "Groundhog," whether it’s "Groundhog’s
day or not, think of me. Ask them their name, and if you don’t seem too
repulsive to them, maybe they’ll tell you. Most important of all though, is
next February 2, LOOK TO SEE YOUR OWN SHADOW FOR A CHANGE!